moving on from resentment
Ways to express, cope and manage resentment towards your S.O
Resentment sucks. And admitting you resent your S.O sucks even more. But in order to move on from resenting your husband, admitting it and working on it is absolutely the number one step. I think we can all agree that resenting your S.O does not mean you don't love them anymore, obviously. So admitting you have resentment toward your S.O should NOT be as hard and terrible as you think it is. Because let's face it, it sure does feel that way! Though having these thoughts and feelings of "We could be doing this if it weren't for you. We would be living here if it weren't for you. We wouldn't be in this situation if it weren't for you" does NOT make you a horrible S.O's, I promise. We've all been there. And if you haven't, teach us your ways!
Dealing with resentment in the hockey world is EXTREMELY common, yet hardly ever talked about. It's almost like if you talk about it, you're opening yourself up for backlash on "well you chose to do this/that" or "you chose that lifestyle". EVERY HOCKEY WIFE/GF's FAVORITE COMEBACK! *eye roll!!!!* Ultimately we DID chose this lifestyle, without actually signing the contracts ourselves, we CHOSE to stay with/be with our S.O's through this and that's just what it is. No sugar coating anything... we chose them.
I remember my first year of "following" my husband, feeling like "what TF is wrong with me" when I would listen to other girls LOVING the lifestyle and having no care in the world. I remember feeling SO ALONE with my thoughts of how much I didn't really LOVE the lifestyle as much as the girls around me and it really had me feeling terrible about myself. Thinking, "why can't I love it as much as them? Why can't I just not worry about my bank account decreasing day by day? Why can't I just enjoy the fact that I don't "have to work" and all I have to do is support my husband. Why can't I just be grateful for the life I have and the places I've been."
It wasn't until my second year when I opened up a little more to girls and realized I was NOT alone, and almost EVERY girl felt the exact same way. We were all just putting those feelings aside and TRYING so hard to not feel them. Not one of us wanted to openly admit it. Because how awful does that sound if we do?
Full disclosure - It goes without saying that I absolutely LOVE my husband, as all of you who chose to read this do, but resentment is 100% a battle that some of us go through and I'm HAPPY to share my experience with you in hopes to encourage and support anyone else who is in the same situation <3
I think it also goes without saying that I'm not writing this for pity (trust me I throw my own pity parties, and they're pretty wild) and I know others have it "way worse" but the next paragraph I'm sharing with you, will give you an idea of some reasons that may be causing MY resentment, that maybe you can relate to. But nonetheless, in this post, I'll also be sharing ways on how I manage to control and cope with these feelings in ways that better myself and my relationship.
okay, back to it
Fast forward to one full year into retirement life and I'm the deepest I've ever been in resentment. I'm in a new city/country I do NOT want to be in. I had NO choice when choosing our new homes location. I'm over 2,000 miles from friends and family (and an international border). I'm legally unable to work STILL. I haven't met a single friend because how do you do that as an adult in a new city without ANY community of some sorts. The climate change my body is experiencing is next to none. Which brings me back to a new city I don't want to be in, and not choosing the location as "promised" previous years ago. I have never felt so alone in my life, and here I am saying "this is all your fault".
I will NOT lie here, I spent an embarrassing amount of time feeling sorry for myself and being in a "funk" that I finally realized, nothing about my bad attitude is going to change ANY of those things above and is only going to change how my husband and I will feel towards each other moving forward if I continued down this toxic path. So here I am, in a much better place, sharing with you ways I prevent build up/cope with resenting my husband!
Resentment can and usually does look completely different for everyone. Below are a few of them. Some could be experiencing ALL of the feels. Some may only be experiencing one or two. However, you could even be experiencing some of these signs and not even realize THIS is why you've been feeling the way you have been!! Here are a few signs below of resentment and what you may want to look for in your relationship!
what resentment may look like
an increase in passive aggressive words/actions ("sarcastic" remarks + snarky comments)
easily irritated with your S.O with little to no empathy
a decrease in intimacy / less interested in sex
constantly complaining and blaming
retaliation/intensionally doing things that may hurt their feelings because you want to feel some sort of revenge
feeling like you want to always be alone and no longer look forward to the company of your S.O
always feeling disappointed
constantly criticizing
lack of attention / putting your attention more toward other things
ultimately shutting down, not fully being your normal self around them and not having any interest in holding conversation
ways to prevent "build up" resentment
1.) be HONEST about how you're feeling - Preferably in a way that won't hurt their feelings. Chances are, they want you to be just as happy and they want to help as much as they possibly can.
2.) address issues ASAP - nothing good can come from holding it all in. Once something triggers you, TALK ABOUT IT. As much as we want them to just know what to say and do, it's not realistic. Address it right away and work on it from there.
3.) acknowledge the resentment in the relationship - if you're feeling resentful, and your S.O has no idea... how and who is this helping? Sit down, have that uncomfortable conversation and work together on how you can prevent this from building.
4.) look in the mirror - hard truth to swallow but most of the things we are resentful of our S.O's for, are things within ourselves. Why do I feel this resentment? Am I not getting exactly what I want and need someone to blame? How can I look at the situation differently?
how to cope with/manage resentment
1.) focus more on the "good" - what is this experience bringing for you and your relationship/family? How can you better this experience? Is there something you can be looking forward to?
2.) embrace the change - as much as something can suck and wouldn't be happening if XYZ... embrace it. Embrace it to its fullest. Change can be SO hard, especially change that you didn't particularly want, but the last thing we want is to be making it harder... on ourselves! Imagine what an amazing quality that is to have, being able to manage and experience change! Many don't realize how amazing we actually are for that.
3.) create realistic expectations - It haunts me knowing that my expectations of "retirement life" are probably the reason I'm so resentful. It's nothing at all what I wanted/planned for and it threw me off and into this spiral of resentment. We give up SO MUCH in this lifestyle and we often think that once it's over, it could maybe be about us for once. And that's just so far from unrealistic as it gets. I learned that the hard way! Doing what's best for your relationship and family as a whole will almost never be exactly what you had planned or wanted all along. I now know the importance of REALISTIC expectations and goals!
4.) accept that it's not all about you - many people usually ask us why choose to follow our S.O's around while in return we usually get the short end of the stick. But when you actually think about it, yes we are giving up having a career while they follow their dreams etc., but in NO situation is our S.O choosing where their new team is, or being that far from family/friends. Wouldn't most of them choose their home team if $ (to support them, us, and their families) didn't have a say? No S.O is hoping they get traded 6 times in one season and watch you do all the work while they catch a flight. No S.O is overly excited to introduce themselves to a new group of guys who've been together all season, naked in a locker room.
You get the point! Long story short, they go through some of the same situations as we do (they just probably handle it a lot better!!) and us S.O's tend to not see that to its fullest because ultimately in the end they are the ones fulfilling their dreams and starting/continuing their careers, not us.
Often times we hold back on sharing our feelings with our S.O to ease their performances. The amount of times we don't say what we need to say because "it's game day", or "this week is an important week for the team" and their head has to be in it. Of course, that's basically number 1 in the rule book of being a hockey S.O! But if you keep pushing it off and off, it will only get worse! We know this! You must gain the courage to have this conversation no matter what day it is, or what major event is happening that week. You HAVE to put yourself first FOR YOU and your relationship in this situation! <3
All in all, this too shall pass, and until it does this community will be right here with you every step of the way! I truly hope some of these suggestions will be able to help you guide yourself to a resentment free relationship, you both deserve it <3
I cannot thank you all enough for just being here, let alone reading our content we create for you each week! I hope this post was educating and reassuring for some of you in the same situation!
XOXO -B
"a journey well shared is a journey well enjoyed!"
(photography credit for both photos is by Johnny; Daniel Michael Photography)
