surviving long distance
When my boyfriend, RJ signed his first professional hockey contract in Sweden, it was clear that if we wanted to continue our relationship, we would have to venture down the dreaded long-distance road. It was his first year going overseas and I had just started a new promising job, so joining him in Sweden was not an option. After a lot of deliberation and back and forth, being separated 7,000kms seemed impossible to continue a relationship so we broke up. For a week. (Still an overly sensitive subject that I continue to bring up time to time LOL) However, with my very persuasive, continuous, “we’re not breaking up until I say we’re breaking up” attitude, we reconciled and agreed to just “try it out.” Hello six seasons, a house, and a baby later!
Every season had different challenges and we had to adapt and grow as a couple AND individually every time. The first year, although still challenging, was one of the easiest (once we got the hang of it) because the whole experience was really unknown. It undoubtedly challenged our communication skills and patience because trust me, fighting with an ocean between you can go from bad to nuclear with a couple wrong words and misinterpretations. A lot of growth happened in that first year, and a lot of growth continued to happen every season after that. Six seasons later, I am pleased to say we survived, and I am here to tell the tale about how we made it work.
Whether you’re doing long-distance or not, communication is the key to a healthy relationship. Communication is lubrication, as ‘Sex With Emily’ likes to say. Now, to be fair, RJ and I have never had the best communication skills. So, this is something that can be worked on over time. 7 years later, it is still something we have to continuously work on. When we had the opportunity to talk throughout the day, our conversations were intentional, and we spoke with purpose. Sure, our conversations would be a little dull at times, but we really tried to have meaningful conversations. We only had the opportunity to talk for a couple of hours a day, so we tried to make our time chatting worthwhile for the both of us. We also had to set realistic expectations when it came to talking. Talking from the second you wake up to the second you go to bed is very unrealistic, especially during the season. We never went a day without talking, no matter how terrible things might have been or how little time we had. Our #1 rule was to check in daily and never go to bed without saying, “I love you.”
On the same note as communication, you must find different ways to be engaging. Texting gets old REAL fast, we personally loved Snap Chat. It’s great for long distance couples because not only do you get to catch up and talk, but you also get to see your partner every time they send a reply. Personally, it made me feel as though I was still around him even though we were in different countries. Facetime or video chatting is also a MUST! We wouldn’t Facetime all the time, but we usually managed to fit in a call at least once a week. It's important to catch up face-to-face every now and again, plus if you’re feeling a little promiscuous, naughty Facetime can be REAL fun. (Sorry mom) When it comes down to it, it’s all about what works for you and finding new ways to stay in touch can be a fun challenge!
Probably something you’ll need to establish from early on and is just as important if not more to have in a long-distance relationship is TRUST. If you cannot trust your partner, it’s not worth the stress and anxiety continuing forward, long distance or not. I had to be secure enough in my relationship to know that when RJ went out to the bar or was talking to overly friendly female fans after a game, that he would remain faithful and tell me all about his adventures at the end of the night. He also had to have the same faith and trust in me. Let me just say, it’s. Not. Easy. I’ve been burned BAD in past relationships and there were definitely times where I felt insecure and bad thoughts creep into my head space. It’s up to you whether you’re going to entertain those thoughts or not.
I am also a huge believer in gut feelings, so trust your gut! Without trust, you’ve got nothing.
The first couple weeks after RJ left for the season were always the hardest for me personally. Your partner has ventured to their team for this incredible experience, and you cannot help but feel left behind. They’re out there experiencing all these new, fun adventures and you’re “stuck” in the same place you were before all while missing the other half of your heart. It’s HARD. The one thing that was important to me in those first few weeks was throwing myself into a new routine. When RJ was home during the off season, I really neglected the gym, my nighttime skin routine and getting to bed at a decent time. So, after a couple of days of mourning, I would make it a nonnegotiable to get back into the gym every morning, invest time in my skin and get in those 8 hours a night. Getting back into that routine helped change my mindset and left me little time to be sad about the distance.
I am fiercely independent, however after spending every waking moment with my man during the off season, I found myself feeling uncomfortable being alone once he left. So, I would take this newfound free time to deeply focus on myself. I loved taking myself out for supper. I would bring an enjoyable book, order a glass of wine, and just take in the atmosphere around me. I also loved reconnecting with friends and family I had unintentionally neglected during the off-season. Refocusing your priorities when your partner leaves will give you the opportunity to reconnect with yourself and the things you love but also give you the ability to not always be dependent on the company of your partner and feel ok when they are gone. It will make the days/weeks/months apart go that must smoother.
Long-distances teaches you a lot about your relationship and about yourself. And if you’re going to take anything from it, it’s to appreciate the little things and to value every second spent together.
90% of people will doubt your long-distance relationship and will tell you it won’t work. But if we defied the odds, so can you. We survived 6 long-distance seasons and we’re now happily settled down in our first home with our sweet 2-month-old baby boy. It’s a lot of work and not for the faint of heart, but let me tell you… The second he stepped off that plane and we were reunited once again, made all the tears, challenging times, and miles between us worth it.
