The Ride of Your Life: Musings on Motherhood, Grace, Being Enough
When I was asked to compose a piece on Motherhood I was stopped in my tracks. Rarely rendered speechless or without [oft-unwarranted] advice, I was frozen in a highlight reel of all the best and worst tips I could bestow – how to maintain a balance and self-worth, how to raise them happy and kind, how to instill confidence and encourage failing forward at the same time. How to “DO IT” and do it right! But here’s the thing: I don’t know. None of us do. Frankly, we’re all just winging it.
We’re all just doing the best we know how to do. And that is enough.
I – just like you – just like my best friend and my sister-in-law, with whom I swap war stories on the regular….we’re doing the best we know how to do. And that is plenty. It’s time we give ourselves grace and enjoy the mighty and fierce ride that is motherhood – good, bad, ugly.
The interesting thing about motherhood is how it is both revered and criticized at varying turns, and we all know far too well the guilt that accompanies these nuances. No one is a pro when she brings her first baby home from the hospital. No one knows what she’s doing when she offers the first solid food or considers an off-brand diaper for the first time. No one is born instinctively knowing precisely how to efficiently potty train another human. But likely everyone has an opinion and, for me, though it took a bit of time, I’ve chosen to leave most of those opinions behind.
We’re all just doing the best we know how to do. And that is enough.
I encourage you to celebrate your Mom wins, however big or small, in a manner that brings you joy. These days, if I lean on frozen chicken nuggets, let Charlie zone out to a hockey game while I get work done, or just need to take a nap and let him fend for himself for 30 minutes (he’s 10, don’t @ me) – that’s ok because I’m a better Mom for it and hey, he was still fed. Perspective is everything and we need not lose it in the minefield that is motherhood guilt and the opinions of others.
We’re all just doing the best we know how to do. And that is enough.
For me, Motherhood has not been a one-word experience or emotion. I can’t sum it up as “blissful” or “my greatest job” (sorry) or even the trite “challenging”. It is so much more robust and colorful than any of that. I consider it the single most wild ride of my life – a journey that I’m on with my child but also our greater family and the world. It is a fluid and rewarding and scary experience. The one thing I know for sure is that I’d do it all over again. And I’d do it with a dose more grace and patience at every turn, but I’m so proud of the way it’s gone so far, and this is just the start of our story. I’m doing the very best I know how to do. And that is enough.
I read once that “no one remembers the lasts”. We spend so much time, especially as mothers, focusing on and celebrating the “firsts”. First smile. First roll-over. First steps. First words. First day of school. I remember so distinctly Charlie’s first laugh. He was 3 months and 27 days old. Struggling until then with the blues and with finding my stride, I had MADE IT, as a mother. That was my first moment of motherly delight and one I will forever treasure. We focus on and remember the firsts.
But we don’t always remember the lasts. It’s hard to tell when they come, even. We don’t know when it’s going to be the last time they crawl into bed at 4 am because they’re scared or lonely or just frankly annoying. We don’t know when the last lap cuddle is. We don’t know the last time we sing or read them to sleep – the last time they use a sippy before graduating to a real cup – the last time they kiss you on the lips at school drop-off because you are their one and only. We don’t know the last time they say “Mommy” or “Mama” before you officially become “Mom”. I, personally, am awaiting the day he no longer cares to sleep in my bed. And I have no idea when it will be (soon, no doubt), but am certain it will be another badge-of-honor Motherhood growing pain.
All this has taught me nothing more than to be present. Always. Be here. Be here with Charlie. Live in this moment; whether I’m covered in dirt, whether I’ve just been pelted with a hockey puck between the brows, whether I physically cannot answer to my name one more time in a day. I try to always “be here”, and it’s a mantra I repeat to myself constantly – usually more when I “need” it, than when it comes naturally. There are sunshine and rainbows and – in our house – farts and giggles and loud music and alllll the sports – but there are also the tough times. And those are equally important to live through; to be present through. These are the memories that carve the sculpture of our lives and more importantly, the sculpture of the good human beings our littles are to become.
There are no trophies for motherhood. There aren’t even any participation awards! The gift and the treasure and the delight is in the little moments of presence, which make the memories that last generations. If there was a reliable tutorial or handguide, I trust it would make millions. But that’s the thing – such a beautiful, messy, personal, dynamic role and job and relationship is the teacher itself. The lesson is in the living.
We’re all just doing the best we know how to do. And that is enough.
That said, I live by some sage advice I’ve had from mothers along the way (mostly my own, LOL), and some stuff I’ve come up with myself. Some have to do with motherhood, some femininity, some just plain humankind, but here we go. I hope they touch you as they have me:
Be gentle with those who love you
If it can be fixed with material or money, it’s survivable
Take the trip
Have at least one very best friend in whom you confide everything. More is ok, but one’s all you need
If you doubt it, bite your tongue – you can ALWAYS say it later
Patience is an underrated skill
Always choose happy
Dishonesty’s a dealbreaker
Quality over quantity. 10 out of 10 times.
YOLO. Literally.
So cheers to you, Mama/Mom/Mommy/Mother! May your kids be happy and kind, may your sleep be sound, and may you cherish the memories made deep in your soul and know this: we’re all just doing the best we know how to do. And that is enough.
